Mr. Mason wants everyone to LOVE MORE. Also, he always smiles.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Where is the Snooze Button on my Biological Clock?
I don't exactly know where this comes from (although, I'm certain that evolution has something to do with it). And I've tried to deny it but I guess I'll admit it. BABIES! on my 28 year old brain. You would have thought that after spending this past weekend with Baby W dictating my every waking and sleeping moment (yes, he did wake me up on Sunday at 4:30 am and yes we were up for the day), that the baby hankering would have tapered off a bit with the reminder of just how much work babies are (and then of course they grow into toddlers and then little people and then some day teenagers and oh my goodness the work doesn't ever stop--yes, this is an attempt to scare myself into biological clock snooze mode), but the hankering hasn't let up. In fact, if anything, I woke up Monday morning missing Baby W's sweet smelling baby breath and chubby looks-like-he's-wearing-rubberbands wrists. Of course, I think it's fair to at least partially credit this phenomenon to the fact that Baby W is probably one of the world's best babies. Seriously, they don't make 'em cuter than he is. And yes, he's six months old, so of course he cries, but he's so happy to be soothed.
There are several problems with my recent inability to find the snooze button.
First, most obviously, while I know that Math Man and I are meant to be together forever, there is a small detail to take care of first. We aren't yet married, not even yet engaged, and while I know that that isn't a technical requirement, let's just say it is one for me. I certainly hope to bring a baby into a home where mom and dad have made a committment to each other forever--publically, in front of family and friends. (Since, it is pretty clear to me that Math Man and I are committed to each other)
Secondly, Math Man and I aren't even living in the same city right now. And while those three hour car trips back and forth sure do get old when its just me and Mr. Mason on Friday night, I can't even imagine what a HUGE pain they'd be with a little tyke in the backseat. Uhm, plus, boo to single parenting during the workweek. Of course, my job here ends this summer and then I'm back home to fulltime living-in-sin the dream. And then, it'll just be Math Man who's gone--for grad school while he gets his smartypants* degree--and then only every other weekend for under one year more. Sigh, did I mention that long distance gets really old really quickly?
But anyhow, off that tangent and back to the discussion at hand. It's not only our immediate inability to get ourselves in the same city fulltime, that's leaving my hand flailing for the snooze button (but you know, without opening my eyes and while attempting to leave the rest of my body as comotose as possible--after all, there's a bichon curled up in a bichon nest my armpit to think about and try not to disturb!). There's also the whole: "I-just-spent-three-years-of-my-life-(plus-racked-up-tons-of-debt-and-lost-opportunity-costs**)-and-that-doesn't-even-count-the-years-of-prep-and-schooling-before-law-school" to think about. I'm not saying that all that would go right out the window if I had a baby right now. But, I think that law, like many careers, is one where, rightly or wrongly, you really need to think about how having a family can change your career path. I have a dear friend right now who is a new first year associate at a law firm in Boston and I know that caring for her sweet one-week-shy-of-one-year-old, while of course joyful, has also involved a tenuous balancing game that has added stress to her life above and beyond that normal level of crazy first year associate lawyer stress. She's racing home to pick up from daycare, spending an hour or two with her son, putting him down, and then logging back in to work from home remotely for a few more hours of doc review every night--and all the while worrying that she won't get the interesting assignments because some partner might be worried that since she's a mom she won't be able to give it her all. Uhm, fair? No. But do I want that for myself? Not at all.
Of course, my own hope is not to be on the exact same career path as my dear friend, but firm to firm, market to market, public interest or private... being a brand new baby lawyer isn't exactly a career that lends itself to being out the door and on the way home right at five. And the complications. Two seconds on a message board at corporette.com or some article where women lawyer mamas start to weigh in on the issue, makes me know that being a mama is tough. And being a new attorney is tough. And being both at the same time is, well, doubtle-tough. Tons of mamas do it. But I'm just saying, it gives me pause.
So, hmmm... baby-wanting. Yes, I think I'll just have to volunteer to watch Baby W again soon. And soak him up. And be that oblivious friend that encourages everyone around them to go for it and take the plunge (and all for selfish reasons, because I want to have more babies to love), while holding back myself, just for a little bit. But in the meantime, let me know if you figure out that snooze button.
* Okay, so I guess that "smartypants" sounds a bit like I'm making fun of him. I'm not. Well, not on purpose. Actually being a law-type myself, I find Math Man's pursuit of his graduate degree--and his hardworking willingness to do it while working fulltime--dare I say it? Sexy. Yes, that's right, he perked my interest with those killer blue eyes of his and that great sense of humor but it's his selflessness and hardworking go-get-em-style that convinced me that he was out to take on the world and yes, I'd let him woo me at the same time. (oh yes, and those are some of the same traits that make me think he's not only husband material but yesohyes someday he'll make a fabulous baby daddy)
** "lost opportunity costs"! There's a phrase I never would have said prior to the Math Man. Geez, he's rubbing off on me!